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Ask Amber: Snotty Sex and Censored Answers
Hi Dirt Doogle,
I hope you all had a great week! This week’s column is special, a young person asked me a crap load of questions and I had to restrain myself from crapping a load on the answers. I think I’m starting to build an emotional connection with the people I advise. Oh no!
Let’s get to it.
Hey Amber!!
My brother told me to google you and I found your advice blog. Me and my friends read it. I have a bunch of questions for you. Will you please answer these????
How do I tell someone they have a booger hanging out of their nose?
How do you tell your best friend that you are mad at them for not inviting you to a party they went too?
My parents are really annoying and nosy. What should I do?
What do you think of people in high school?
Do you have a boyfriend?
How do you deal with sexual stuff?
How many times have you had sex? Is it really awesome?
Please answer these.
Peace out,
Josh (J-Play)
Hey J-Play!
Thank you for writing in. Who is your brother? Tell him I say hi and thanks for the Google gossip.
I’m guessing you are between the age of 13 and 18 and this scares me. I’m afraid to bust out my insane profane logic on you. I don’t need the added pressure of being dubbed an online sexual predator, and I hope you and your friends aren’t having a circle jerk while you read this. No offense to you kid, but I’m going to keep this post PG-13. I have a reputation to protect and a career that only exists in my mind.
Here are some long and short answers to your many questions.
How do I tell someone they have a booger hanging out of their nose?
If it’s a close friend, you could say, “Oh my God. Go look at yourself in the mirror right now. It looks like your nose is crapping on your mouth.”
If you don’t know them very well, you could whisper something like this in their ear, “Hey, you’ve got a dangler” (then rub your nose a little).
Handling someone you don’t like with a boogy-tryin-to-bail is a sticky trick, pun intended. For me personally, my reaction would be geographically based.
In Los Angeles, I’d probably be like “Hey! Nice nose job!”
In NYC, I’d probably be like “Go f*ck yourself.”
In middle America I wouldn’t say anything. I’d finish eating my cheeseburger and ignore everyone because I’m a snot like that, pun intended again. I’d start thinking about the origins of the words
burger and booger and feel uncomfortable about the similarities between the two. I’d wish the word booger would change to something like “doogle.”
You could just say, “Dude, doogle it.” They’d know what you mean and grab some Kleenex, a sleeve or a baby’s arm and wipe their nose. The word “doogle” would eliminate embarrassment and change the face of snot face communication!
Next.
How do you tell your friend that you are mad at them for not inviting you to a party they went too?
Be honest with your friend. It’s a waste of time to be like, “So…what did you do last night? Oh, a party? Sounds fun.” Then you walk away with a brain full of resentment and a reason to feel sorry for
yourself. This type of behavior leads to alcoholism.
Here’s a possible conversation that could go down. Lets call your friend Dirt. Be sure to have a booger, aka doogle, hanging out of your nose.
You: (Doogle dangling from your nose) Hey - how was the party last night?
Dirt: (Staring at your nose) What party?
You: The one I wasn’t invited too.
Dirt: Uuuum. It was fun, I guess.
You: Why aren’t you telling me about the doogle?
Dirt: What’s a doogle?
You: Never mind, I’m ahead of the booger on my face curve.
Dirt: Wait, you KNOW that you have a booger?
You: Absolutely.
Dirt: Gross.
You: Contraire.
Dirt: What does contraire mean?
You: I don’t think we should be friends anymore. Your vocabulary is limited.
Dirt: I think you are overreacting.
You: I don’t want to become an alcoholic.
(Hot chick you like walks up to you guys)
Hot chick: Hey Josh, doogle it. By the way, how come you weren’t at the party last night? Everyone was asking for you.
You: (Big smile). I know about my snot face, thanks. Apparently, I wasn’t invited to the party.
Hot chick: Yes you were. We told Dirt to bring you.
You: Oh really?
Dirt: (Looks down and notices an unwanted erection.)
Hot Chick and You: You’re an asshole.
You: (Flicking your doogle onto Dirt’s face)
Dirt: (Wiping the doogs off his cheek as his boner simmers down) Grrooossss!
Hot Chick: Dirt got doogled! New nick name Alert! Dirt Doogler!
You: (to Hot Chick) Cool spoof on a porno name! So, you wanna hang out later? I’m having a party…for two.
Hot Chick: Shania Twain sings a song called “A Party for Two.”
You: Shania Twain is smoking hot.
Hot Chick: You’re smokin’ hot.
You: Contraire.
Hot Chick: I love that word.
Dirt: (His boner bounces back)
The End!
I had no idea the conversation with Dirt would turn into a love story involving doogles, boners and a country/pop star from the 90’s. Expect the unexpected in life, kid. Moving on.
My parents are really annoying. What should I do?
You should:
A) Be grateful that you have annoying and nosy parents. They care about you.
B) Flip the script and ask your parents a bunch of intrusive questions. You asked me a ton of questions, it must be hereditary. Ask them some.
C) Use whatever information they give up and use it against them in the future.
What do you think of people in high school?
I think they are between the ages of 13 and 18 and they scare me. I doogled one the other day and they said “Word play with Google is so 2006 and you’re fat.”
Do you have a boyfriend?
I have seven boyfriends. But, I’m passionate about becoming A-sexual.
How do you deal with sexual stuff?
Since I wanna be A-sexual, I’m going to have to deal with sexual stuff by not dealing with it. There are some steps I’m going to have to take to reach this goal.
Steps:
1. I’m going to have to stop letting seven people almost finger me. *
Only one step! Sweet.
Next.
How many times have you had sex?
Um. I only remember having it 4 times (I used to be a black out drinker), but I’m guessing I’ve had sex 1,217 times.
Is it (sex) really awesome?
I hope so!
Ok. I’m done with your questions!
In closing I’d like to say that Dirt Doogler didn’t invite you to the party because he is probably jealous of how cool you are. Best of luck with the hot chick, don’t ruin each other lives by having awesome sex all of the time. You’ll know what I mean in a few years.
And, thanks for the Google and don’t forget to doogle people with danglers. Nasal mucus trends start right here, right now!
BOOM!
Peace,
Amber
*Almost getting fingered is PG-13 …right?
Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone
tells her she’s adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks
in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. You can email your
questions to her at ambertozer@gmail.com. Check her out -
www.myspace.com/ambertozer
Tags: amber tozer, ask amber, columns
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:16 pm
The only problem with asking his parents a bunch of intrusive questions is that they might answer them, and there are certain images a person must not have in my had.
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Sorry, I meant his/her head.
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:37 pm
you are a sweet doogle, tozer.
July 25th, 2008 at 5:00 am
If someone has a dingleberry you could say “Dude dingle it.” It comes up every once in awhile.