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Nikipedia: I’d Be Pissed If I Were Anne Frank
I feel weird reading The Diary of Anne Frank. I feel intrusive, like I’m her kid brother, Jimmy Frank.
One of my greatest fears is that I’m going to die and someone is going to discover all of the weird things I’ve written. No, I take that back. My greatest fear is that I wind up in a coma and people discover my diary. Because then I have to wake up and look those people in the face again.
I’m sure Anne didn’t worry about these kinds of things. She believed that people were naturally good. She didn’t think that everyone was out to get her. When really, they kinda were.
But Anne was also a lot younger than I am now. I wrote innocent things back then, too. But I’ve changed. I’ve already penned certain entries on this website that I regret, so I can’t imagine what I’ve scrawled in a moleskin book at 3am when I’m looped up on Tylenol PM and pot (I wonder how I’ll end up in a coma someday?), playing my guitar and writing lyrics about someone who didn’t text me back.
Luckily for Anne Frank, she said intelligent and beautiful things. I doubt anyone would want to study my diary in their 9th grade class.
Classroom, 2098:
“Okay, class. So, last night you read the 7th chapter of The Diary of Nikki Glaser. Does anyone have any questions?”
“Uh, yeah. What the deal with all those drawings?”
“See, yes, John. I’m glad you bring those up. That’s why chapter 7 is particularly interesting. This chapter covers a five-week period in the spring of 2008 when Nikki first experimented with drawing as a means to enhance her creativity. From what we can make of it, it looks as if she drew a lot of Jennifer Anistons. Some refer to this period of her life as her “artist phase,” but it’s commonly called her “gay phase.”
“Mrs. Platte. What are these lists of names?”
“It seemed Nikki liked to recount the people she’d made out with in her life. It dates back to her junior year of high school. Literary analysts believe she did this in order to remind herself that she was needed.”
“What are these lists of random words?”
“Those are her set lists. Those are lists of keywords that reminded her of the jokes she would tell on stage.”
“She told jokes on stage?”
“Sometimes. She also wrote comedy columns for a website called Comedy.com. Many believe she wrote for them during a time where she was smoking a lot of marijuana.”
“How do they know?”
“Because she admitted it.”
Nikki Glaser is a stand-up comedian living in Los Angeles. Go to www.myspace.com/nikkiglaser for info.
Tags: columns, nikipedia, nikki glaser
August 9th, 2008 at 11:35 am
I’d wonder what others would make of the notebooks full of bizarre cartoons and other ramblings that exists in place of the notes I should have been taking in university. Besides confirming their, “Well, he’s just plain nuts” hypothesis.
Guitar? Lyrics? Why is there not a youtube video of such activities?
Oh, and it’s only a phase if it stops.