Hi Pig!

What are you wearing? Clothes are weird.

Ok,so a bunch of people emailed me about Sarah Palin. I’m hesitant to write about her because I’d be competing with everyone in the world who’s riffing, ripping, spitting, supporting, farting, loving, hating, queefing, mocking, puking, crapping and quoting her (or on her).

Wait, now I want to try! Ok. Here we go. Writing about Sarah Palin….10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0, -1, -2, -3… ENOUGH!

Countdown-ing reminds me of New Year’s Eve and my friends Lizzy C. and Karey D, not Sarah P. Sometimes I like to rhyme when I design my lines for you to read can you see how I feed your eyes with no lies?

What? I lie a lot, but rhyming is fun. Anytits…..

I think the Republicans know exactly what they are doing with Palin, and their plan is working. Nobody is talking about: tax cuts, foreign policy, education, health care, civil liberties, environment, technology…ya know boring shit that will save our future.

It’s all about this…..

Palin has become the new Britney Spears, she’s toxic and everyone wants a piece of her. Bing bang boom! Her five kids are probably like, “K-Fed is fertile, just like our family! He’s always in Vegas. Crazy guy.”

Maybe Britney will be a hockey mom soon, I’m sure her sons will have enough hand-eye coordination to knock up a Governor’s teenage daughter. I don’t know man..I shouldn’t rip on Britney, I like her music. But Palin is stealing the gossip magazine spotlight and the brains from brainwashed Americans. I wonder what brand of brainwasher Americans buy to wash their believing brains. It’s probably called DRAMATIC LADY DISTRACTION. Yeah, that’s a great name.

Also, when Palin said “The only difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is …lipstick,” I thought to myself, “Wow, it’s really hard to think of any other differences between a hockey mom and a pit bull Mrs. Palin, but I did manage to find one… pit bull’s kids don’t play hockey you jack hole!”

And then Obama was like, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” I said, “True dat, true dat.” (not racist). McCain said that exact same line last year, that mother fuckin’ cracker.

There. I tried to riff on Pig Palin and politics. I know the lipstick shit is old already, but what-the-fuck-ever.

Lets get to a question, it’s random and sort of sad.

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We might be the only people on the planet that don’t watch Dancing With The Stars, but we totally would watch the new 2009 season if it featured cast members like soon-to-be-dumped President George Bush. As proof of how much more entertaining the show would be with a little Dubya in it, check out this video from the ladies in One Hot Mess.

Here I am, coming to you from The Mile-High City, bringing you my take on politics in the midst of this exciting political atmosphere!

Actually, I have no “take.” And that’s unfortunate, because I feel like this is the first time in my life that I can hold discussions with adults about politics. But it’s not that I “can” hold them. I “may” hold them. And that’s the problem.

I don’t really know what I’m talking about when it comes to politics. To be honest, I just questioned whether or not I should capitalize “politics.” That’s where I’m coming from here.

However, despite my overall ignorance of Politics, I do know that I like Obama. A lot. But I worry that it might be for the same reason I would wear a Yankees hat proudly… because I think it’s cute.

I don’t mean to infer that I think Obama is cute. I do, but that’s not all I like about him. I don’t need to go into why else I like him (mostly because I couldn’t even if I wanted to), but everyone knows why everyone likes Obama.

His name reminds people of the Bahamas.

So clearly, I have no business discussing or debating politics. But I’ve been doing it a lot. I got into a heated debate the other night in Raleigh, NC after a show. It was with a gentleman who, oddly enough, was once the winner of a Yankees Fans reality show. I forget the name of it and would look it up for you, but I don’t care enough about this fellow to do that.

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The Republican National Convention may be over, but the comedy it created lives on. In this clip from The Daily Show, correspondent Samantha Bee chats up delegates at the convention about Bristol Palin’s pregnancy and the “choice” she is making to have the baby. Plus, she finds out why the delegates think Sarah Palin is a great choice to be Vice President (hint: because “she’s a pretty lady.”)

As the world salivates over the concept of Sarah Palin becoming our first VPILF and scours the internet looking for naked pictures of her and interesting facts about her, somebody out there took the time to show us what is really going through John McCain’s head when he watches her speak. Oh, and that somebody also put those thoughts to the sweet sounds of Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.” Sexy…

There wasn’t a whole lot to get excited about at the Republican National Convention, but luckily Triumph The Insult Comic Dog showed up to give us something to cheer about. In this clip from Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Triumph chats up the Republican delegates about Sarah Palin, Fred Thompson, and John McCain.

These must be tough times for the crew over at Fox News, what with the big news these days revolving around their Vice Presidential candidate’s daughter having an out-of-wedlock baby on the way and everything, but at least Bill and Hillary Clinton served up this lovely piece of video for them to salivate over. In the clip, Bill leans in to give Hillary a kiss and comes up empty when Hillary decides to turn away from her playa husband and instead give her former nemesis Barack Obama a peck.

By now it’s common knowledge that John McCain barely knew Sarah Palin before he chose her as his Vice Presidential candidate, but what is less known is how the actual conversation went when he asked her to join the team. Luckily, web superstar LisaNova took the time to put together this dramatic re-enactment of how that conversation probably played out.

This is a unique time in American history. For the first time, we have someone on the ticket we could actually masturbate to. Like if you don’t have a Maxim or an LL Bean catalog available, she might do the trick.

Now, some might say, “What about Geraldine Ferraro, she was a woman and a VP candidate?”

I said someone you “could” masturbate to.

Looking back on her in that 1984 campaign, she was at BEST a thin Bea Arthur. And if you think Bea Arthur is worth a wank… well we guys know that seeking therapy is a tad “gay.” But since you are going down that path, it can’t hurt to give it a shot. And block Lifetime from your cable and keep on drinking until you forget you ever saw the Golden Girls.

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In case you thought that the first Barack Obama - Rocky Balboa mashup was enough to tell the whole Baracky story…guess again. That was just the battle for the nomination. Now that he’s got it, Baracky II features Baracky gearing up to take on John McCain in the real heavyweight championship match.